I was heading to the gym today when I bumped into cabaret startist on the bus  (ok I’m making up words to keep my workcount down, but you know what I mean by “star” and “artist” who was on his way to another leg of his tour. We got chatting about Personal Trainers and the like. I was going to the gym to meet with a PT for a free consultation.

Now I always find these consultations designed to lead to making money anyway. So I thought I’d make it worth my while. I was honest with him when he asked me what my goals were, I said “I want to look hot”. Yeah, I know, shallow. But really, I usually want to ask these guys who look like they’re covered in rolls of giant bubblewrap and then spray-tanned:

“How long did it take you to look like that?”

“What did you look like before?”

“Were you born this way?”

I know that James Haskell has said to me that he wasn’t a 90lb weakling before he started rugby training, but what did he look like?

Reuben mentioned something about asking the PT “I don’t want to hear what you have to say, just give me a sexbody and let’s be done with it”, in that flip delivery he has. A mutual friend of our mentioned the word sexbody during his initiation to Grindr (he’s recently come away from a 10 year relationship and got himself a smartphone).

What is a sexbody? Is it an idea that only with muscles can you get regular sex? Is this a thing with being gay? We’re all being turned into bodyfascists and snobs, here in the gay community. Is this right? Yes, it’s fine to be more healthy and fit but I found myself getting obsessed by my Body Fat (19.7 if you must know).

Now apparently a sexbody isn’t just for gay men but also for women. (Basically, anyone who has sex with other men). What about those men the sexbodied men are having sex with? Have they got sexbodies too?

Doing a straw poll at the images I’ve seen sexbodies must:

Be hairless

Have a small waist

Have big shoulders (unless you’re a woman)

Six (or more) pack

Have nipples like fox’s noses

Have tits (both men and women)

Be not afraid to show armpit(s)

Now I’m really not sure if this is healthy, this obsession. But it’s fuelling a huge industry. Health, beauty, fitness, clothing, photography, erotica. At some point we’ll be so inundated with muscular or slender images that we will start seeing someone average as sexy, unique. Can this start happening soon please?

I should really publish my measurements so in 1 month, 3 months, 6 months from now I’ll be able to look back and say “No wonder I wasn’t getting any sex”.